18

Uncontrollable Forces

 
I woke to the sound of birds. Memories of the night before brought a smile to my muzzle even before I opened my eyes. Then, I shuddered as I remembered Ares’ words. As my mind wandered before falling asleep, I must have accidentally reached out my spirit to communicate with him. “That’s what Rofar was telling me about,” I thought. “The spirit, or athka, or whatever. Ares used it to speak to me directly in my mind.” After his intrusion into my dream and the taunting message the night before, I was even more eager to avoid unwanted contact in the future. These lessons Rofar had promised me couldn’t come soon enough.
 
Turning my thoughts away from the unpleasant subject, I stretched and got ready to go back into the house. Jackie had the TV on when I came in. She was standing in the middle of the family room and staring intently at the screen, where big letters proclaimed breaking news. “Hey, Josh,” she said when I came in, giving me a brief glance before pointing to the image in front of her. “Look at this. It’s not far from here.”
 
Curious, I walked over to get a better look. There, on the news, was a dramatic live feed of a massive mountain with thick, black smoke issuing from its peak. Text on the bottom of the screen read, ‘Mt. Cayley shows signs of volcanic activity.’ There was an aerial view from a helicopter as well, showing the towering plume of ash stretching like a great shield over the rugged terrain below.
 
Jackie turned away and walked back into the kitchen. “Apparently, they think there’s nothing to be scared of. There’s no lava or anything super destructive. Just smoke and ash.”
 
“That’s good.”
 
“But it’s a bit odd, they said, since it was supposed to be dormant. It looks like there was a small earthquake and it triggered some activity.”
 
I pulled myself away from the screen and joined her in the kitchen. “Those myths or stories have anything to say about volcanos?” I asked.
 
She shook her head and replied, “Nothing good, I’m afraid. Volcanic activity is seen as a symbol of the evil forces at work in our world. I mean, it makes sense that they’d associate that stuff with evil. They had no other explanation. I mean, if I saw ash and lava spewing up from the ground, I’d think something sinister was behind it, too. But I don’t actually believe in all that, you know. I just think the stories are interesting bits of culture, not that they’re true.”
 
“Evil forces,” I thought. Once more, I pondered my decision to keep things from Jackie and Wes, and also my own family. The visits from Ares were my secret. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me, but was it a mistake to think that way? Could I really hope to avoid any more encounters with Ares and the Khovn Vrost? I really just wanted to keep to myself. It was starting to seem like hiding these things was suggestive of my own denial. “Regardless, this is pointless,” I thought. “I’m not going to drop any bombshells right before I leave. When I come back, I can decide what I need to do next. No more denial.” Spending time learning from the other dragons would give me more perspective, I hoped.
 
As I was lost in thought, Jackie said something to me about breakfast that snapped me back to the present. I shook my head, turning my attention back to her as she got some plates down from the cabinet. She pointed to a drawer and asked me to start setting the table. I pulled it open to find the silverware and did my best to extract the proper pieces with my claws. It took a few moments, and Jackie looked over when she heard the clattering of my struggles. She laughed before saying, “Sorry, I should have known better. You want to fill the glasses instead?”
 
“No, I got it,” I said, flinging a fork into the air as it slipped from my paw. “That was an extra one anyway.” We both smiled as I mercifully laid the armful of forks and knives on the table. She went back to washing fruit as I got the table in order. “By the way, what are we having this morning?”
 
“Well, it’s your last day here for a little while, so I thought I would make something special. It also happens to be Wes’s favorite: French toast with berries.”
 
“That sounds pretty good to me, too,” I said.
 
“I’m glad. I’ll go see if he’s up.” Before leaving the kitchen, she picked up the remote and clicked off the TV.
 
The table was pretty much set by the time Wes entered, and I sat with him as his mom made breakfast. The food was even better than the day before. Fluffy slices of toast coated with cinnamon, powdered sugar, and fresh berries. Wes insisted that I receive a generous helping of whipped cream, which he claimed was necessary to complete the dish. He wasn’t wrong. I hadn’t tasted sweet berries like that in a while, and I savored each one. Everything on the plate was perfect, and I licked mine clean three times as Jackie kept offering me more hot toast from the pan. I felt like the luckiest dragon in the world to have this kind of food lavished on me.
 
After breakfast, I had to get ready for the video call with my family. I brought my laptop and phone into the kitchen and got everything set up on the table. Opening my laptop, I got all the programs I needed running and made sure I had an internet connection. My phone showed a number of messages from Scott and Roderick. I read a few of the texts, which went something like, “Why aren’t you telling us what’s going on?” or, “Seriously, can you respond? This is getting really weird, man,” and, eventually, “Alright. You’re not going to say anything until the call? Whatever. I’ll see you then.” Apparently, my parents had succeeded in getting them to join for the group conversation.
 
My phone buzzed with a text from my sister telling me they were ready on the other end. I took a deep breath and started a voice call. Once I made sure my friends and family were all ready,  I would turn on the video and go from there. Taking every precaution, I placed my thumb over the tiny camera just in case it activated on accident. At home, they answered, and the speaker crackled as the audio went live. No video on my end, although I could see them all sitting in my kitchen back home. So far, so good. I took my thumb away and cleared my throat quietly.
 
“Hey, can you hear me?” I asked.
 
“Yes, Josh, we can hear you,” Alex replied.
 
“Can you please tell us what’s going on?” Scott said, sounding equal parts concerned and annoyed. “And why does your voice sound weird?”
 
“Does it?” I tried to downplay the issue. “Huh. Anyway, I’m going to tell you what happened after I turn on the video. My family may have prepped you a little about this, but you have to try not to freak out, okay? It’s just me.”
 
Roderick cut in with, “Can you cut the crap and just tell us whatever you’re hiding? We’re supposed to be your friends, man. We’re not gonna freak out. If you say it’s just you, then why don’t you just get on with it?”
 
I took a deep breath. “Yeah,” I said slowly. “Okay. Here goes. I’m turning the video on now.” Inching the cursor up to the icon on the screen, I hesitated. I saw my mom’s hand in the corner of the frame, how she tightened her grip on my dad’s. I saw my sister twisting hair through her fingers nervously, stealing glances at Scott and Roderick to gauge their reactions. Then, I forced myself to click on it, and my image sprang to life in the corner of the screen.
 
Scott leaned a little closer to the screen, squinting in confusion. “What?” he whispered. “There’s something wrong,” he said louder. “There’s a…an I-don’t-know-what-it-is on the screen. Where are you?”
 
Clearly, they would need a little more convincing. Not a surprise. I raised my paw and gave them a wave. “Here I am. This is me, guys.”
 
“You’re hilarious,” Roderick deadpanned. “So, you got some job with costumes or something and want to mess with us? Come on! We’re sick of the games. We were really worried about you!”
 
I sighed. This was what I was expecting, but I needed them to catch on. “Can you tell them, Alex?”
 
My sister grimaced slightly at being put on the spot. “Uh, yeah, that’s Josh. And he’s…changed a bit, but he’s still my brother, and still your friend. It’s been almost impossible for us to believe it, but it’s all true.”
 
My friends were speechless—they just stared at my image with deepening confusion. “I guess it’s time for a little demo,” I thought. Moving my head closer to my computer, I opened my jaws and showed my teeth and tongue to the camera. To give them the full impression, I slid my chair back and brought my tail and wings into view, moving them around to demonstrate their realism. “Can a costume do this? Yeah, this is really me. I’m just going to move on and assume you will believe me by the end.”
 
I launched into my story from the beginning, telling them about the weird dreams. I knew they had heard about them already since I remembered mentioning it when I saw them at school on my last day there. As I went on, both of my friends stared at the screen with blank, open-mouthed expressions. They said nothing—it was like something in their brains had shut down. I kept my explanation as short as possible and hoped that some of it was sinking in. “Long story short,” I said, “I’m a dragon now. I know it sounds crazy, but I can’t really put it more simply than that.”
 
My only clue that they were still with me was when Roderick tilted his head slightly and said, “So…” He raised his hand and pressed his fingertips to his forehead, but no more words came. A few seconds passed. “Wait…waitwaitwait, back up,” he stammered. “So…that, right there, is you? And that’s why you ran away and all? No fuckin’ way! It’s just not possible. Right?” He looked at my sister, at my mom and dad too, hoping to get a proper explanation that made logical sense. Their tight-lipped expressions told him they had nothing to say. He sank back in his chair with a sigh.
 
Then, it was Scott’s turn to respond. “No,” he said. “No! This is crazy! That’s not…that can’t be Josh.” He looked at me, and I could see anger in my best friend’s eyes. “Where is he?” he demanded. “Where’s Josh? And what are you? How’d you get his laptop?”
 
I couldn’t speak. Scott was my best friend; I had known him for so many years. But there was no recognition. He stared at me like I was a stranger, or something even worse. With Roderick, there was a flicker of something at least. He would come around. But I could tell that Scott had made his mind up on the fact that I couldn’t possibly be the friend he knew.
 
“Answer me!” he ordered, his voice raised and distorted over the connection.
 
“Hey, man, don’t yell at him,” Roderick said, touching him on the shoulder. “He’s trying to explain—”
 
“What the fuck is this all about!” Scott interrupted. “Do you actually think that thing is Josh?”
 
“Shut the fuck up!” That last remark had crossed the line, and Alex jumped all over it before anyone else could. “He can hear what you’re saying about him, you piece of shit! I don’t know what he has to do to convince you, but that’s my brother. Like it or not, that’s who he is now. Can you imagine how scared he must be? He just wants you guys to know what happened, and he’s trying to be a good friend. And you don’t even want to c-consider that it’s still Josh and he s-still c-cares about you?” My sister was now fully in tears. I could see her hands balled into fists.
 
He avoided her eyes. “I’m sorry.” His voice had softened a bit. “I…this is too much to get dumped on me all at once. I just want my friend back, and that’s not the same friend I knew. What am I even supposed to think? I mean, Roderick, can you believe what’s going on?”
 
“Well, I might be going crazy,” he responded. “Or I might wake up and find that this was just a dream. Until then, I just have to accept what Josh is telling me.”
 
Scott still didn’t look convinced. He spoke to me once again. “If you really are Josh, you said you ran away because you were afraid of people. Are you afraid of me? Do you trust me at all? Should I be afraid of you? I…I was friends with a person, not a…a dragon! God, I can’t even believe I’m saying this.” He looked away from the screen but kept talking, more to himself than to anyone. “I can’t be here right now. This is too insane. I just need to go back home and try to move on. Wherever Josh is, I’m probably not going to get him back. Sorry, I just need to…like I said…move on.”
 
He started to move out of the frame. Nobody spoke. His footsteps were clear as he walked out of the room. Alex looked at me helplessly, and Roderick stared at his hands. My parents locked eyes, trying to decide what to do but waiting for the other to make a move.
 
“Let him go,” I snapped. “It’s no use doing anything else right now.”
 
Defeated, Alex sank into her chair, saying, “Oh, Josh. I’m so sorry. Why don’t we—”
 
“This was a mistake,” I interrupted. “I have to go.” Nothing could have prepared me for this. I thought I was doing the right thing by clearing this all up with my friends. Honesty, I thought, would make things better. Needless to say, it hadn’t.
 
My mom, who had been nearly silent until now, tried to intervene. “No, please! Stay. We can talk through this.”
 
“Sorry, I have to go,” I repeated, hoping the camera couldn’t capture the tears filling my eyes. “I’m sorry.” With that final apology, I ended the call. The stunned faces winked out. I slammed the laptop closed and shoved it hastily back into my backpack.
 
I had to get away. Throwing my backpack on the couch on my way out, I stormed from the house, not caring to deal with the battered back door as I left it open behind me. There was no way I could stand seeing any more people in my present state. The anger and disappointment were too strong, too raw. I needed time alone, and the forest would provide a proper territory for me to roam without visitors. It wasn’t long after I had crossed into the wilderness before I let my emotions out. I was lost in thought, not paying much attention to where I was going, when I slipped on a patch of leaves and slid face-first down a small dirt slope. Laying there, I felt a throbbing in my shoulder, and my nose and mouth were full of dirt and pine needles.
 
“Goddammit, Josh!” I cursed aloud. “Can’t walk for shit.” I slammed a paw into the ground with the last word. It took a few loud snorts to clear my nose and mouth of debris. They quickly turned into heaving sobs. I must have looked terrible. Sprawled awkwardly and feeling embarrassed by my clumsiness, adding on top of that the fact I was blubbering like a lost toddler. But that was the kind of helplessness I was drowning in.
 
The tears dried after a while. I picked myself up and massaged my shoulder, grateful for the pain to distract me. “I think this might be the new low for me,” I thought dryly. “Yep. I’m not sure if it could be worse. Well, scratch that. Roderick could have turned on me, too.” As I sat there, the unfairness of my situation was all I could think about. I had tried to do everything right, to do everything I could to hold my life together. And it still went to shit every time.
 
Thinking about the unfairness of life got me going down a nasty spiral. I got frustrated over my situation, and then I got more enraged about how it wasn’t fair that I had to feel this way. I could feel my whole body tightening, neck straining, claws digging into my palms. After a long moment of intense but silent buildup, my rage bubbled over. It released itself into the world in the manner of that nearby volcano.
 
I slipped into something of a trance, the reasonable thoughts unable to swim to the surface of my chaotic brain. Taken over by an impulse, I started brutally slashing a small tree into splintered rubble. That made me feel a little better—somewhere deep inside, I took pleasure in seeing the raw power I could wield when I wanted to. I turned my back on what was left of the sapling and walked on all fours in no particular direction. If a rotten log or tangle of ferns blocked my path, my claws removed the obstacle without mercy. “Not so powerless now,” I thought. “Out here, I own this forest. I rule this territory.”
 
Sauntering in and out of the late-morning shadows, I felt so much better. It was just me, alone. Not a single creature in these woods could challenge me. I had completely forgotten about my past life and the unfairness of it all; I forgot about feeling low. Now, I was on top. That seemed fair to me, and there was no other way of looking at it.
 
I sniffed the air, tasted it, and snapped my head around. Out of all the scents that filtered through my subconscious, one demanded my attention. Instinct immediately flagged it as a target. There was prey nearby. I still couldn’t see it, but my silent footsteps led me confidently through the foliage. The draconic instincts were fully in control, and I embraced them. This was my territory, and I was going to assert my dominance over any creature beneath me. The likely outcome: I had just found my next meal.
 
A thick cluster of ferns concealed me as I stopped for a moment to taste the air again. I was so close. The sounds told me that as well. I could hear sniffling and the munching of plants. Inching my head out of my cover to investigate, I saw a tawny buck standing a short distance away. It faced away from me with its head down, antlers swaying as it browsed for food.
 
Things moved quickly from there. I guess my predator’s brain decided I was close enough to pounce, because I was almost surprised to find myself in midair, lunging for the deer. I had been correct in my decision—the animal hardly had time to turn its head and let out a bellow before I landed on top of it. It went down easily, and I soon silenced its annoying cries with a bite to the neck. I imagined I could hear its heartbeat slow until it went completely still. Maybe I actually could hear it, but it didn’t matter. Stepping off of the body, I admired the success of my hunt hungrily. But I didn’t look for long.
 
I ripped into the deer with primal satisfaction. Tearing through the tender underbelly, I ignored the spurts of blood that sprayed my face, neck, and chest as I sank my teeth into the squishy viscera within. The organs were slimy and coated with gore and connective tissue, but that just made them slide down my throat easier. I barely took time to breathe during my feeding frenzy, pulling and tearing every edible part from the animal’s midsection. The heart and liver were my last treats as I pulled my head out and licked my lips thoroughly to clean off the hot blood.
 
There was something in my mind telling me this was wrong. But it was a whisper compared to the rage that twisted at my gut. My clouded thoughts couldn’t make sense of I was doing anymore. I was running on instinct, and it felt natural to be sitting next to a fresh kill, licking my chops and drinking in the scent of my prey’s blood in my nose. One thing I knew for sure was I couldn’t eat another bite of the deer. My stomach was bursting, and I felt like I wouldn’t have to eat for days. It was a shame there were no other dragons in my hunting pack to share my kill with. It was just me.
 
Leaving the carcass behind, I padded through the undergrowth. The midday humidity made the air thick and sticky. The pleasant sound of a nearby waterfall drew me closer until I stopped beside the swirling water with a huff of satisfaction. Craving the coolness of the stream, I didn’t hesitate before leaping into the pool beneath the falls. Swimming up to the cascade, I stuck my muzzle in and drank freely. When I finished, I looked down at the churning foam beneath the small waterfall to see swirls of pink coloring the water. I knew it had to be blood.
 
I couldn’t ignore the spots of red blossoming on the pool’s surface as the water poured over me. Seeing this finally started to eat away at the grip my instincts held over me. I felt like I was defiling a sacred space with the pollution of violence. This waterfall was the same one I had stumbled upon while exploring a while back. My stomach turned as I started to remember the joy I felt when I discovered this place. One of the hidden treasures of the forest.
 
The red stains kept washing off my scales. It seemed like the color was draining from my body. How could there be this much blood? There was so much red in the water that I expected to see my scales turn white. I started rubbing my face with my paws, trying to scrub the blood away. The more I thought about it coating my body and seeping into every crevice of my scales, the more it sickened me. I turned my attention to my forelegs and chest, vigorously trying to remove any traces of gore. Ducking under the water, I tried to bathe myself fully. Over and over, I rose above the surface of the pool and dove back in, getting more desperate as I tried to wash myself clean.
 
But I couldn’t do it. My tireless efforts always seemed to reveal more blood each time I rinsed off. I scrubbed until the pads on my paws were raw and starting to blister. Then I scraped my claws mercilessly across my hide until scales started to chip and slough off completely. As much as I tried, I couldn’t rid myself of this unclean feeling. It felt impossible to erase the last vestiges of my feral deeds. The pain was the only thing that stopped me. I needed to feel the pain to reclaim my mind from the predatory urges that now disgusted me.
 
Pulling myself from the water, I lay next to the stream, trying to clear my head. My rational abilities had returned, and I needed some time to process things. The adrenaline from the hunt had waned, leaving me feeling shaky all over. I shut my eyes tight and whispered things to myself. Names, memories, anything. I tried to let the sound of the waterfall bring me peace.
 
“Think about Alex, your sister, how she always has your back,” I recalled. “Think about Mom and Dad. About Roderick and...no, something else. Think about Wes and Jackie and French toast and flying under the stars.” A few minutes of this brought me back completely. I opened my eyes and felt...well, I felt like me again. The anger and cold-blooded killing were surreal and distant; it all seemed like a bad dream.
 
A fluttering in the periphery attracted my attention. I swung my head around to see a raven perched in a nearby tree. It cocked its head and looked at me with expressionless eyes. Hopping a few times along the branch, the bird issued several loud caws. Unnerved by its presence, I opened my wings threateningly and roared. My scare tactic worked, and the black shape tumbled from the tree before retreating into the thick, shadowy forest. It’s cackling calls echoed for a few final moments until they too were swallowed by the breath of nature.
 
“Time to go back,” I thought. “If I stay out here I could just do more damage and make them even more worried than they probably are.” So I wobbled to my feet and started walking back to the house, ignoring the dull pain from my abraded footpads. I hoped some satisfactory explanation would come to me, anything to convince them that everything was fine. But the blood would say otherwise. The blood staining the earth and running through the water. The blood clinging to my scales and sloshing in my stomach. The blood would say otherwise.